I Have Some SICK Superpowers…And I Bet You Do Too
I don’t want to brag or anything, but I have some pretty sick superpowers. And by sick, I mean Supernatural Individual and Critical Knowlege.
For instance, just this morning I spotted a cluster of green grapes on the steps as I headed up for my morning coffee. Spotting them at all was a feat in and of itself since the steps are so dirty (who’s job is it to vacuum them anyway?) it’s hard to see anything. But see them I did. I got my coffee, headed downstairs and asked The Parent Who Is Not Me if he noticed the grapes on the steps. True crime buff that I am, I was trying to narrow down the window of time in which the fruit was forsaken on the steps.
“Yes” answered The Parent Who Isn’t Me.
“And you didn’t pick them up?” I asked.
“I wanted to remember to talk to you about it,” said The Parent Who Isn’t Me.
“Um…seriously?” I said. Not really asking but casting a look of Scornful Skepticism.
“Well, when I first went up it was dark and I thought it might be poop,” said The Parent Who Isn’t Me.
Because, apparently, it would be perfectly reasonable to leave poop on the steps (or, you know, grapes) so he would “remember” to talk to me about it.
Which brings me to the Dishcloth Incident earlier this week. I was in the kitchen. Cleaning the kitchen. As moms do. The Parent Who Isn’t Me walked past, casually, and tossed a wet dishcloth kitchen floor.
“Umm…why did you just throw that on the floor?”
“Because that’s where I got it from”.
“So…why did you put it back there?”
“Because I thought that’s where we stored used dishcloths” responded The Parent Who Isn’t Me.
[And while I know those two instances make The Parent Who Isn’t Me terrible and lazy. I assure you, he is neither. But he does sometimes like to
play dumb pretend that he’s one of the kids. And here is where I should probably mention that yesterday morning he sat down and played a three hour game of Risk with the boys. So see? He is actually pretty awesome most of the time.]
I also happen to be the only person in this house who understands the fundamental difference between wet and dry. This superpower is imperative when emptying out the dryer. Certain teen girls seem to struggle with this more when they have a specific item of clothing that they have to wear. Right now.
I am also the only person in my who can see empty shampoo bottles (as evidenced in our shower), clutter, Any and Every Lost Object. I am also the only person who knows how to put fresh toilet paper on that tricky toilet paper holder and I am most certainly the only parent who can sign a permission slip (at least my kids think so. I’m pretty sure not a single child has ever as The Parent Who Isn’t Me to sign a paper for school).
How about you? Do you have any SICK Superpowers that no one else in your house possesses?
I have 11 kids. And yes, over the years I have also discovered some sick superpower skills.
1. I can close cabinet doors. This must take an amazing amount of strength since I’m the only one who seems to be able to do it.
2. Pick up trash out of the van. I can also put said trash in the appropriate receptacle (trash, recycling). Clearly a superpower.
3. Toss out food in the fridge that has become a science experiment. I haven’t figured out why that’s a hard one or why when someone discovers it they feel that they should put the experiment back in the fridge for someone else to discover.
4. Speaking of the fridge, I have the superpower to use the dregs of the ketchup, mayo and mustard before opening a fresh container. Of course, it might be because I can’t stand having 6 nearly consumed bottles of ketchup in my fridge but I’m claiming it as a superpower.
Just yesterday I knew that the cheese grater must be among the dirty dishes. Not because I had personally used it, but because when I left the house, there hadn’t been grated cheese in the fridge, but when I came home there were quiches cooling on the counter. Quiches with cheese, so therefore when I needed the grater I didn’t even look in the drawer for it. Short story long, but I think Constantly Updating Household Inventory is my superpower. And yes, my husband makes quiches while I’m driver training and shopping with our girl.
My sick superpower is sorting. I bought fancy colored shapes for the preschoolers and spent years doing sorting activities with them, but apparently I’m the only one in the house that can look at the floor and sort shoes from garbage from toys from laundry. Who knew?
I’m also the only one in my family who knows how to put a new roll of toilet paper on the roll. Also, when asked if the dishes in the dishwasher are clean or dirty, (as that person is peering into the dishwasher), I tell said person asking, ‘if you can’t tell the difference go ahead and use them.’
I know how to put away medication which is huge because my kids are all on daily meds. I also know how to swap dirty dishcloths and tea towels for clean ones. . And I have super vision that allows me to see that the bench is dirty and needs wiping down. My best one though is that I can find the stuff my kids have lost without even stopping to look.
If you’re up for a fun video google “very mild superpowers” – it was a song performed on a show called Spicks and Specks. I’m sure it’s been performed in other places too though. Great fun.
1. Put the shoes on the shelves
2. Hang up coats
3. Bring mugs and glasses from living room to kitchen (we have teenagers)
4. Wipe out the microwave (how can anyone use it if it’s splattered?)
5. I can take care of the empty ketchup bottle instead of pretending I didn’t know it was empty and putting it back in the refrigerator. Usually.
6. Close the plastic cereal package inside the box
7. Re-close the bread with the handy little bread tie.
8. Close the refrigerator when I’m pouring a glass of milk.
But, my best superpower is to know full well that I break all of my own rules sometimes, and to be patient with the kids and ha, nag them gently!
1. I can CLOSE the bag full of bread instead of leaving it on the counter for someone else (hello, myself) to deal with the inconvenient twisty tie.
2. I can fold the blankets that my teenagers somehow can’t see.
3. I can put away the laundry basket that everyone else manages to step over except my clumsy toddler.
4. I notice the bandaid wrappers and toilet paper tubes on the bathroom floor and can actually spare thirty seconds to throw them away.
5. I can DRIVE, unlike my children. (Yes, my husband can drive, but he somehow avoids it. I think that’s his superpower.)