How to Make Your Children Miserable in 7 Fabulously Easy and Enjoyable Steps.
I mean really, who doesn’t want to make their children completely miserable? Follow these simple guidelines and you too will be in the running for Worst Mom Ever.
Step 1: Pick a sunny day.
The kind of warm sunny day that was made for lemonade stands and long, leisurely bike rides to the corner store for Big Red and Fun Dip. The kind of day that makes you nostalgic for the 80’s when kids could play outside without having their neighbors call the police for child neglect. Yeah, pick a day like that.
Step 2: Tell your children you are going to take them to the river to swim and play with friends (this helps build anticipation).
Make sure they pack their swimsuits*, water bottles, sandals and towels. Once you arrive, let them frolic in the water, washing all of their worries (and sunscreen) away.
*If you are looking for modest, full-coverage swimsuits check out these sewn by a local mom. Avi and Jubilee’s suits came from Land’s End on clearance. $10 a piece!
Step 3: Feed your children before you leave.
Whatever you do, don’t skip this step. If you do, you will have to pack snacks for your kids. Instead, feed them a good lunch so you don’t need to pack a snack. That’s called being efficient. This is important because it will give them something to whine about later.
Step 4: Spend hours outdoors in God’s beautiful creation.
Let the kids swim and play, frolic and tube down the lazy river.
Step 5: Supply plenty of cute toddlers and babies.*
Because life is just better with adorable babies, don’t you think?
* As I edited these photos I realized I photographed the births of FIVE of the kids at the river with us. How fun is that?
Wyatt, Lydia, Mary, Abigail and Odin.
Step 6: Let your kids throw endless sticks and rocks into the river. It’s hard to find a more wholesome, timeless source of fun than that.
Step 7: Bring them home and serve them a hot, delicious, homemade dinner.
No take-out, fast or processed food for your kids! Plan ahead by putting drumsticks in the crockpot. When you arrive home, grill these to make them crispy, roast red potatoes and supply a huge salad full of fresh veggies. Eat together as a family and tell dad about all the fun you had that day.
Step 8 (for moms only):
Spend the rest of the evening hearing about how, “You never take us anywhere fun. Only dad takes us fun places. Why don’t you ever take us anywhere?”
*** Warning: this perfect afternoon at the river only made one of my children completely miserable. The rest seemed to enjoy themselves, likely making the kind of memories that happy childhoods are made of. Attempt this at your own risk.***